5 December

My dearest friend, I am a fool. 

I have come to realize that there are some things that I just cannot change. Everything is inevitable—everything shall occur as fate wishes it. I think—well, I hope, I have finally realized how to find satisfaction. Satisfaction? Well, how to somewhat keep away from the troubles that constantly torment life. I will try to articulate my thoughts as well as possible, but you know how my brain works. Constantly trying to rationalize and justify thoughts that rack my brain with anything—even the silliest of things.

To keep ahead of the troubles of life, you must stay… ahead of yourself? This mindset is very hard to have. You must be able to stay ahead of yourself in your ways of thinking. To be—the strong willed tree, and the wind who drives against it. To be the salmon swimming a thousand miles, and the river that pushes against him. The bottom line: You must see yourself from all points of view. You must be able to make a statement, then argue with the statement, then argue with the argument. Hear me, friend. I am the tree who has decided to stand against the strong winds instead of giving out, and the salmon that has finally decided to swim against the current. Does that make sense at all? Ah, what nonsense I am making!

Whether or not you understand this matters not. I have used this thinking and finally decided what to do anyways, and I wish that this is a step in the right direction. I have used the strategy I just informed you of right now: I have considered all possibilities and argued with each of them, and alas, I have found a reasonable enough solution. 

My dear friend, I must tell you, I once even thought of the idea of ending my journey early to finally return to my father, but… What is the use? I have argued with myself, you see. This sentiment…I do not see it as a cowards way out as many do. I don’t think it should be treated as lightly as such. Death is… an intoxicating thought. I must leave—no, I must prevent this escape. For another day, at least.

See, I believe that happiness cannot be created by matters of force. I cannot force her to love me—though I do believe she does. I cannot…kill Albert. Ha! The mere idea. He is a fool but his life is not worth taking. (Not that I have a sense of superiority. I couldn’t disturb the nature of life myself anyways. I could never go against my moral compass.) And, I cannot forcefully end my journey short. There will always be regret. Whether it be big or small. These ways, these tactics, will never find true peace. The thorn of regret lives long.

With this thought of the inevitability of all the actions in life in mind…I hope that I truly believe it. I really do. I have told myself I do, but how can you truly tell! If I do not, I have not a single idea of what may happen if my heart has not fully turned. 

Yes, Wilhelm. I can see, and you probably can as well, how obsessed I am with my dearest Lotte. Oh, how my heart longs for her… If only I could control her heart—no. If only I could control my own. Perhaps then I would have never had to enter into this mental… confusion that just drags my poor heart. Perhaps then I could still find the beauty in the things I used to find it with. Oh, how painful it is to human. A pain it is to be.

Well, my plans. I will finally confront her, Wilhelm. I must know if I can be with her, if she feels the same. I think—I believe I have finally accepted that there is no way to manipulate the aspects of fate. If the Heavens will it, if God wills it, then we shall be together. There is no use dawdling over the helplessness of your situation. I do hope that you do not see me as… lazy? In a sort of way. It is not weak or powerless to claim that things like these are beyond my control. Regardless, if this was truly a passive claim, I surely am not making passive moves. Ah, I do not need to prove myself. If it is fate, it is fate. And besides, isn’t it better to jump and grasp at the stars than to sit flustered because you cannot reach them?

This will be my last letter to you, dear friend. Thank you for the simple action of listening and understanding—or at least trying to understand my ludicrous thoughts. I truly appreciate it. 

Now… it is time to put myself in the hands of fate.

I asked for Charlotte. She came smiling with her sweet, sweet innocence, unaware of the constant way she afflicts my heart. I took her to the nearby field, telling her that she should come with me on a walk. 

After some time, I had finally made my mind. I turned to Charlotte.

“Charlotte, I have meant to admit this for the longest time.”

She stood, caught a breath, and her cheeks took on a pinkish tinge. I wonder if she had any idea where this was going?

“Well, say it then,” she said with a smile. 

I kept my composure as best I could and continued.

“Lotte… I have never met a single living being that brings me as much joy as you do. You understand me the most and are sacred to me. Your figure of divine sweetness haunts me daily, and each smile of yours pierces my soul. I love you, Lotte. I love you so much. More than life itself and the Heavens above.”

I swallowed. She said nothing. I could not read her features.

I knew I must continue. 

“I do not know if you feel the same, but I have finally made a decision that should benefit us—or at least you.”

I took a breath.

“I am going to turn around and walk away. I have my things packed already at my house. If you feel the same, you can choose to follow me, and we may run away together. If not… you may walk back to your house, back to Albert, to your good and stable life. I would never blame you. I could never blame you. But it is yours to decide. Charlotte, I love you.”

I turned and started my way. No single step was easy. In every footfall, I gambled my life, my love, my sanity. I cursed my feet for each step they took. I cursed my feet for carrying me farther and farther from the only person who could still all the desires in my heart. Preventing myself to not give into the temptation of turning and running back and embracing her and showering her in a thousand kisses and…it may have been the hardest thing to do in my life! But still, I went on. I walked. I took each step, and then some. Oh…my heart longs for—

A thousand years had passed, then I heard running behind me. I sighed.