Have you ever wondered what happens on Kairos?
ATTENTION! Here is the inside scoop on the most secret retreat in history: Kairos. I was given special permission to release this top secret information on what happens on this retreat. This info is for Royal Reporter readers only. Alright here we go…
- You arrive to the Kairos location and get your luggage from the bus. But when you open your luggage, there is a special surprise: everyone gets a bobble head of Jesus!
- All the adult leaders introduce themselves and proceed to perform the choreography from “Hamilton.”
- All the student leaders perform acrobatic tricks they’ve been learning for the past eight weeks.
- On the first day, you shadow an oompa loompa since the place you stay at happens to be right next to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.
- After this, the president stops by and shakes everyone’s hands.
- At night, they wake you up at 3 a.m. to do a full body workout, which includes a 5-mile run, swimming laps around the fountain, Pilates, and goat yoga. It’s truly survival of the fittest.
- The second day, you suit up in a hazmat suit and visit a crashed alien UFO. They also throw in a human sacrifice once in a while, but thankfully that didn’t happen at my Kairos. (For legal reasons, this is a joke intended for a slight chuckle.)
- When you return from the UFO expedition, Taylor Swift comes in as a guest speaker and proceeds to sing a song she wrote just for your Kairos group.
- The third day, you have to wrangle a mountain lion that represents sin.
- On the night before you leave, Mary comes down and has a dance party with everyone.
- During the last couple hours you’re there, your memory is wiped, which is why when you ask someone what happens on Kairos, they can’t say.
JUST KIDDING. Obviously none of these things happen on Kairos (except the first one). If you’re planning on going on Kairos (juniors I’m looking at you), the best advice I can give you is just participate and don’t anticipate!
