With Red and Gold this weekend, we are all urgently raiding every Party City within an hour’s distance for finale costumes, and all I can think about is the poor Party City workers. The ones that keep having to break the news that they are all out of gold feather boas or that there is no more red face paint available.

As a form of self reflection (which is part of my court-mandated anger management routine), I have been trying to put myself in other people’s shoes and view things from a different perspective.

So this is me putting myself in the shoes of a Party City worker during Red and Gold season:

Oh dear Lord, the Red and Gold season has fallen upon us.

For the past three dreadful years I’ve worked at Party City, I’ve specifically dreaded Red and Gold. I cannot believe that a school with around 400 students has the ability to send several Party City Stock through the roof and simultaneously inflict immense seasonal trauma upon many innocent employees, some whom I consider friends.

As a victim of the Red and Gold plague and seasonal outburst, I am here to give my honest opinion on what I believe, or have come to understand, Red and Gold is.

First off, based on the copious amounts of red or gold stuff each girl is buying, I have been able to determine that the two teams, Red and Gold, are up against each other in some sort of competiton or battle.

Here is a short list of things I have brainstormed that I believe they may be doing in these costumes:

1. Boxing or Wrestling
2. A fashion show
3. A dance competition
4. A riff-off– Pitch Perfect style
5. A re-inaction of the war of 1812

C’MON… what on earth could it be besides these five things?

Don’t get me wrong, I have had many moms attempt to explain the phenomenon that is Red and Gold over the dusty counter that I refuse to clean because I am working on protecting my peace; however, I simply disassociate so badly during the conversation that six other people are able to shoplift during the transaction. (Party City, I would say don’t fire me for this but actually, please do!)

Lots of times, I have girls physically fighting in the back of my store over the last red wig. I do not get paid enough to break it up or even prevent them from damaging our products, so I simply go to the backroom to record the fight on the security cameras. Now you know why there are never any workers around to help with anything.

One time though, I did have to blacklist a student named Emma Silva ’23 from all Party City locations across the nation because she was fully convinced that I was hiding the last pair of groovy gold pants in the ceiling tiles so she proceeded to climb up into the celling and break our entire water system which disallowed me from using the bathroom during my entire ten hour shift. Thanks again Emma for my ruptured bladder!

Let’s just say I will never truly understand what Red and Gold is or why someone needs to be in a full size blow-up Pikachu costume for a school-related function, but hey, whatever makes you happy.

Just an FYI, there is always Party Party!

Remember Royals, please be kind to your Party City employees for they do not deserve to suffer the wrath that is Red and Gold season.