As a writer, I have one goal in mind when working on my next project: CONTROVERSY. After all, that’s what keeps people coming back to the Royal Reporter time and time again. I can sniff it out like a bloodhound, but this time, the trail leads back to me!

As a script captain with Natalia Chavez ’24 on this year’s Red team and Emma Silva ’23 and Mia Kennedy ’24 on Gold, we were tasked with writing two scripts: one for the Red & Gold performances and one for Red & Gold Kickoff.

All four of us loved the opportunity to have a more relaxed opportunity to use Kickoff as a means to introduce our mascots while mixing in some Rosary-specific or pop culture references that the student body could relate to; for me, that opportunity manifested in the form of incorporating Rosary’s faculty and staff (with their permission, of course) into the Kickoff narrative.

Now that the teachers have had some time to reflect on their depictions in both Kickoff skits, I thought I’d revisit their reactions: were the depictions accurate, did they offend the teachers, am I blacklisted from their classrooms? I’ve got the scoop for just a few of my skit’s featured Kickoff victims around campus.

During this investigation, I received some positive feedback from a few teachers that found their portrayal in my Kickoff script to be accurate. Among them are Mr. Parmar, Mrs. LeClair, and Mr. Clough, all of whom are relatively new to the Red & Gold tradition. Mr. Parmar seemed mostly surprised by his role in the skit, saying, “I really enjoyed the performance. Whoever portrayed that one teacher in that one scene – y’know the one I mean? Yeah, that was really great. Can’t wait for the sequel!” I’m glad that I could bring his likeness to the Rosary gym floor in order to catapult me into consideration for this year’s Tony Awards.

Mrs. LeClair found her depiction true to the last detail as a dog lover (or rather, dog mother): “First, I was absolutely honored to be featured in a Red & Gold Kickoff skit, especially since it is only my first year at Rosary! Second, I could not have been better represented in the skit, considering I DO actually spend an insane amount of money on my dog, a German Shepherd named Moose. He is my BABY, so much so that I literally get his food imported from Italy. Crazy dog mom? Absolutely! I am a huge Philadelphia Eagles fan, so I even got Moose his own Eagles jersey. Maybe I should call up Swarovski to see if I could get some crystals to bedazzle his jersey…”

Mr. Clough was dazzled by his portrayal in both Kickoff skits, saying, “Both were amazingly accurate two thumbs up. They really captured the essence of my being with their sparkling personas and clever lines.” Us script captains work hard to make sure that we do Mr. Clough justice in any Kickoff scripts that we write.

Though Mrs. LeClair and Mr. Parmar believe that I did them justice, the intense world of journalism demands that I pick up a few dissenters throughout my writing career. Among those are Mr. Rodriguez and Ms. Barclay, who are now preying on my downfall after their featured presence in my Kickoff script.

Mr. Rodriguez appeared to be utterly indifferent to my investigation, saying, “Sorry I do not have time for a quote, my choir that cannot sing needs me.” Despite his feigned disinterest, I believe my script struck a chord with this musical teacher considering he included a reference to my joke about him creating a fictional choir for untalented Rosary students.

Ms. Barclay, perhaps my greatest dissenter of all, was truly harangued by her depiction in my Kickoff script. Though she enjoyed some aspects of her portrayal, she took issue specifically with the way that I portrayed her in my performance in the role of Ms. Barclay that is now in consideration for Best Actress in a Kickoff Script, a newly added Oscar category: “I thought the portrayal of me as a greedy, arrogant Uncrustable-monger was spot on. What I took issue with was the tone of voice. I have a lively, beautiful and almost songbird like tone of voice. Even worse was when a couple students in my AP Lang class said you nailed the voice. That makes no sense, and I refuse to accept it. The fact that you could play another role while also playing me was wrong as well. If someone is portraying me, they should obviously dedicate themselves to that incredibly complex role. Overall, the whole thing was unacceptable.”

No matter what my fans or haters have to say, I knew the risks of becoming a writer when I entered this industry. You have to make enemies in this business or you’re not making real change within your community of readers because, at the end of the day, my job is to dredge up the underbelly of what people don’t want to see to remind them that it’s there. It’s just good journalism.