Currently, I have absolutely no claim-to-fame that would earn my place on the red carpet, unless Hollywood is looking for someone who can do an incredible “sassy Austrian” accent (think Zoolander), make a mean AP Gov quizlet, or nail a passable Scooby-Doo impression. Even so, my embarrassing lack of talent doesn’t stop me from dreaming big, imagining which look I would wear to my red-carpet debut and under what context.

Because it would take a good little while to pick my ideal red-carpet looks from the entire history of fashion, I’ve decided to pull only from the current 2023 runway archives, as it’s been a solid season so far.

Look 1: Rebrand Era

Picture it: I’m a celebrity of child-acting fame, beloved by the public for the wacky hijinks I got up to in all the Adam Sandler movies and family-fun sitcoms I starred in. However, after recently reaching young adulthood, I’m looking to break out of this suffocating box and show the world what a serious, mature, adult actor I am!! (And maybe catch a certain Timothee Chalamet’s eye in the process.)

At the red carpet of my brand new Oscar-bait film (the movie is so depressing and mature, it’s not even a movie, it’s a film), I shed my old Bohemian high-low dresses and tweed wedges for this Fendi Spring 2023 Couture gown. Suddenly, all eyes are on me, as an actress and a fashion icon, all thanks to my amazing stylist (me). I’m even receiving offers to be the new spokeswoman for Activia, after Jamie Lee Curtis refused to keep selling people disguised laxatives!

Look 2: Avatar: The Way of Camp

Picture it: I’ve just starred in the new “Avatar” movie, which is making bucks on bucks on bucks. I really only had a peripheral role as a Na’vi that stood in the background while Zoe Saldana out-acted everyone in the movie; even so, I got an invite to the premiere, so I’ve got to make it count. Solution? I wear this Rahul Mishra Spring 2023 Couture extravaganza, taking the theme very literally in a slay, camp way.

Boom, I’m suddenly starring in B-list romcoms and made-for-TV dramas, hosting an extremely low-rated SNL episode with Brendon Urie as my musical guest, and getting offered the position of Activia spokeswoman (they really need someone).

Look 3: Dressed for Revenge

Picture it: My celebrity boyfriend and I are both A-list celebrities with a very beloved and public relationship, with dedicated/obsessive fan accounts on Twitter and everything. However, after finding out he was using me for PR to drum up hype for his new podcast, we unfortunately broke up; even worse, he started giving our fans the impression that our break-up was the result of my wrongdoing, and now the stans are mobilizing into attack position.

I know I must get my side of the story out and wow everyone into submission before the stans SWAT my house; as such, I show up to the red carpet of the Grammys, for which my experimental pop album “A Diamond in the Smooth” is thrice-nominated, in this Zuhair Murad Pre-Fall 2023 stunner. With a dress so undeniably slay, our fans would immediately know I was in the right and all would be well.

Look 4: CANCEL ME I DONT CARE

Picture it: after years in the movie business, my seemingly devoted fan base has revolted against me after a fan came forward with the claim that I had rolled over their foot in a Wendy’s parking lot. So what if I was going a little fast, it was dark, and mama needs her frosty while it’s fresh! My face is all over TikTok, as people rip me to shreds and call for a boycott of my line of fur-lined/pleather Stanley cups—it’s not looking good.

In the midst of this chaos, I decide that I’m going to wear exactly what I want to the upcoming red carpet at the launch party of Kendall Jenner’s couture fake moustache collection—I know I’m right, I’ll let my boldness prove my innocence with this Dsquared2 Fall 2023 Ready-to-Wear look. No one can argue with the shocking charisma of my ensemble, and I soon become an ironically worshipped icon a la Trisha Paytas.

Unfortunately, I am just a normal person who lives none of these lives, but for now, I’ll settle for adding leg warmers to my uniform and calling it high fashion.