Picture this:

My shoes are untied. Per usual.

I nonchalantly stroll down the halls of Rosary, hoping to make it to AP Gov on time.

I get a notification on my phone. Harry Styles posted. My primal instincts take over. I start sprinting to class, hoping to talk to Charlotte Jordan ’23 about how fabulous his post is before class starts.

But my shoelace is untied. I take a tumble. I’ve taken tumbles before, but none like this. My head hits the ground. It all goes black.

I wake up. My eye does the weird crossing thing that Trista Verne ’23 hates. I look around, dazed. Before I recognize my surroundings, I recognize the sterile smell of Kaiser Permanente. Oh, no. I’m in the hospital.

The nurse comes in: “She’s awake!”

Turns out, I’ve been in a coma for three years. What have I missed?

Trista Verne is in a women’s prison. She was arrested for breaking and entering into Harry Styles’s house. She would have gotten away with it too, if she didn’t tweet out, “GUYS THE RUMORS ARE TRUE HARRY STYLES USES A BLUE TOOTHBRUSH.” Oh, Trista.

Cadiz Salazar ’23 is the first female president. They made an exception about her age. I wish I could have been there to see her inauguration speech. She made seven Taylor Swift references in her speech.

Bridgette Sanders ’23 is on Broadway. In every production. Seriously. She is starring in EVERY SINGLE SHOW ON BROADWAY. The people can’t get enough of her smile, kindness, and blonde hair.

Gabriella (GiGi) Coo ’24 is officially THE it-girl. Her Instagram is loved by all. She’s plastered over the entire American teenage girl population’s Pinterest accounts.

How about pop culture? Rhianna and A$ap Rocky are married. Harry Styles is balding. Badly. Taylor Swift has retired. She made a billion dollars off of the “Eras Tour” and decided she was done. Andy Samberg is the new head writer at SNL. Colin Jost is being tried for war crimes.

Ms. Barclay visits Trista in jail every now and then, bringing her iced chais and fun size Kit-Kats.

My family has turned my room into a pen for my dog. They recovered from the loss of me fairly quickly.

Rosary prays for me sometimes before school starts. When they find out I’ve woken up, they put a plaque up in my honor by the gym. Mr. Tice accidentally knocks it over in the school van. Students gaze at the crooked statue for inspiration and motivation during finals week.

They bring be back for motivational speeches. Depression and anxiety rates are at an all time low now that I’m back. Madame President Cadiz Salazar creates a new national holiday honoring my wake-up day.

Hopefully I won’t go into a coma soon.

But if I do, when I wake up, make a national holiday for me.