You’re a nervous wreck: clammy hands, insomnia, the works. Only two weeks until the big dance, and now’s your chance to snag a date. It seems like everyone’s going with everyone these days, so the ask is a big deal. The problem is, you have no idea how this works. You want something special–posters are tired, a play on words is too cliché, but the clock is ticking and you’re running out of time. Maybe it’d be easier to think of what not to do.

First and foremost, don’t ask anyone for help with this proposal. Next thing you know, your wingman will be in cahoots with your competition. Instead, do everything on your own. Figure out who you’re competing against, and devise a one-man-plan to annihilate any chance they have with your sweetheart. Tap phones, do some sleuthing, dabble in the realm of sabotage. It’s survival of the fittest, and you will be the one paying for that extra ticket.

Next, avoid asking at a funeral. It’s weird and insensitive. Your prospective date won’t even be able to recognize you through swollen eyes and all those tears. I can’t even begin to imagine the logistics of photos in that situation. Flash or no flash? Posed? Is that too insensitive? In this economy, I’d avoid it all together.

If you’re choreographing a dance or song, expect an on-the-spot ‘NO.’ Anyone in their right mind, upon being serenaded or danced to, will run in the opposite direction. Save your time and morale by going a different route.

Don’t ask without checking for nut allergies first. The average U.S ambulance ride is $1200, and that chunk of money is not worth a heart-shaped Reece’s Pieces. The only thing worse than a ‘NO’ from your date is an episode of anaphylactic shock. To add insult to injury (no pun intended), you’ll never be invited over again.

Steer clear of costumes. Dress-up is not a viable option in this scenario. When you’re running for Congress in 30 years, photo evidence of you in a blow-up hot dog suit won’t be a good look. On top of that, the space between your date and yourself (that is, if you get a ‘Yes’), during pictures will be uncomfortably large. Their distant family will most likely make fun of you, defeating your angle of meaning buisness, and overall, it’s not the most effective way of earning your definitive ‘Yes.’

Last but not least, don’t ask with a hologram of their deceased loved one. You are not Kanye West.

I wish you the best of luck on this venture. Try your best not to do anything mentioned above, and hopefully, I’ll see you with a date at our next dance.