The new year is upon us!

There is something inherently refreshing about a new year. It’s a fresh set of 365 days to be better. For some reason, a new year almost demands change.

So as gym membership enrollments skyrocket, and Barnes and Noble’s shelves are cleared by the people who “swear they’re gonna read more this year,” one is left wondering what changes they should make in their own life.

Since everyone at Rosary CLEARLY looks to ME as the pinnacle of health, wellness, and knowledge, I decided to share some of the best (worst) new year’s resolutions.

1. Up your screen time

Listen, life is short, and in today’s world, trends are blowing through the internet, then dying off in a matter of days! You don’t want to embarrass yourself by not knowing the latest Tik-Tok drama, or not knowing what Tom Holland and Zendaya are up to. We are not entering 2023 behind on pop culture and trends. So forget about your family and hobbies, and start scrolling.

2. Get a new vice

Here me out… it’s a form of self-care. Take me for example: I legitimately get shakey and angry without Diet Coke, my ultimate vice. But as soon as I taste that sweet cancer-causing nectar, I am at peace. Do yourself a favor, and get a vice. Maybe it’s some garbage reality television show, or maybe it’s a delightful 12-pack of Pizza Bagels, but you deserve it. This is the year of self-indulgence!

3. Spend less time with your family

TBH, Royals, my family can get a little boring. Before some random aunt of mine finds this and goes up in arms, I want to be clear: of course I love my family. And I’m sure you all love yours too. But God, they can get on my nervs. Look, your family is always gonna be there. That’s kind of the whole deal. But your friends, who are usually much more interesting and enjoyable people, won’t be. And if you have a buisness opportunity that means spending less time with your family, take it! You can make up for it when you have the money to buy them nice Christmas gifts.

4. Stop journaling

This one might upset some people. But think about it, if we are soooo obsessed and paranoid about social media websites stealing our information, why are we so comfortable leaving around a physical document of our utmost personal feelings and thoughts? We are leaving information insecurity in 2022.

5. Get back together with your ex

He’s changed this time, I promise. You should call him.

6. Drink less water

   

Stop being selfish! Drought season is gonna come around this fall, and it will be YOUR fault that the hillsides are burning.

7. Keep more grudges

I practice this one religiously. An eye for an eye, baby. I still haven’t forgiven the boy in first grade who told me my eyebrows made me look like a werewolf. You know who you are. And don’t get me started on Adam Sandler. My grudge against him will live on, even after they’ve buried my cold body. Forgiveness is for the weak and Reese Witherspoon. Only the strongest and stay mad. In 2023, we’re staying pressed.

8. Stop cooking

This is precious time that you’re wasting. You’re supposed to be upping your screen time, remember? So man up, Doordash some Panda Express, and start scrolling.

9. Save less

Money is temporary, but Airpod Max’s are forever. Money is temporary, but flying to Asia to see Harry Styles is forever. Money is temporary, your online shopping cart is forever. Make paying off loans and debt 2024’s problem. 2023, we’re balling out.

I hope you do NOT listen to any of these resolutions, unless you want a very bad new year.

In all seriousness, I encourage you to take the opportunity of the new year to make the changes you’ve been wanting to.

Happy New Year, Royals!