Ah, Halloween. The much anticipated season is upon us. Overpriced store-bought costumes, poorly-done homemade costumes from Pinterest, and unnecessarily pumpkin-scented items galore.

With trick-or-treating comes a slew of goodies, tossed into the bags of children (and strange adults who can’t move on).

Following this ritual comes the best part of the night. When you get back home, dump your treats into respective piles, and begin to trade these nuggets of joy among your fellow snot-nosed cousins and siblings.

To ensure fair Halloween treat trades for all of America’s children this Halloween, I have taken it upon myself to categorize common Halloween treats into best’s and worst’s.

So, without further ado, I present, the best and worst Halloween treats.

Best: Toothbrushes

Oh, heck yes. Toothbrushes rock. Consider yourself LUCKY if you receive one of these bad boys in your trick-or-treat bag. First of all, based on solely monetary value, your average fun-size candy is worth about forty to sixty cents. Your average toothbrush? Worth about a buck to a buck fifty. And they’re just handing these sweet puppies out for FREE? Not to mention the co-pay you’re saving your parents from when your dental health is so stellar you don’t have to get any cavities filled.

Worst: Twix

Ugh, pass the barf bag. This is the most basic candy ever. Plus, they’re really just heart disease in a bite. And is that morally ethical to hand out to America’s children haphazardly? Uh-uh. I don’t think so. Now what would Michelle Obama say if she saw you bite into that chocolate-caramel monstrosity? So when you get a Twix this Halloween, make sure to throw it out instantly. Make Michelle proud.

Best: Pennies

Gosh, pennies are the best. I just love that little Abe Lincoln engravement. Plus, inflation is on the rise people! And there are these absolute suckers out there just throwing money away to kids for free! And it’s untaxed! It’s time to start putting those bad-boys into a nice little Roth IRA account. It starts to add up. You want to go to a little liberal arts school on the East Coast, but are scared of student debt? Start saving those pennies, kids. Better yet, invest in as much crypto-currency as humanly possible.

Worst: Skittles

Taste the rainbow? HECK NO. If you want to taste the rainbow, don’t taste a rainbow made up of countless chemicals that will probably blind us someday, but taste the rainbow of fruits and veggies, made available to us by the good Lord and the globalization of the agriculture industry.

Best: Loose Candy Corn

Don’t you just absolutely LOVE it when you get to the bottom of your candy bag, and there’s just like seven loose Candy Corn? So you’re just like, “I don’t remember getting a little package of Candy Corn.” So you look through your candy, and your candy wrappers, and you’re like, “Even if I did eat a package of Candy Corn, I would remember, because I hate Candy Corn, or if the package exploded, the wrapper would still be in here, so that means one of my neighbors is sick in the head enough to just give kids handfuls of straight-up loose Candy Corn.” So then you start thinking about how dirty whoever handed you that loose Candy Corn’s hand probably was, and if a small child ate that Candy Corn, they probably ingested whatever germs that person had on their hands. And now you’re like, “That is so dangerous, didn’t we leave the loose, unwrapped candy trend in the 80s? What kind of people live in my neighborhood?”

So now you feel obligated to go door-to-door, asking your neighbors if they would be willing to sign a petition banning loose candy from next year’s Halloween festivities. Several other concerns from other neighbors come to light, so you decide to form a neighborhood watch group, to ensure the block’s children are safe. And now you’ve effectively created a positive difference in your community. In conclusion: loose Candy Corn for the win.

Worst: Butterfingers

I no longer mean  this as a joke. This is the full, raw, unfiltered truth: these just are not good. No one likes them. Stop giving them to children. This is the Nickelback of candy: it’s somehow always there, even though absolutely no one wanted it.

Best: Bootleg Gummies

Mmmm, who doesn’t prefer those nice generic versions of popular candies over the real deal? They’re always a little hard, a little dry, and a little reminicent of the taste of cornstarch. Make sure to NEVER hand out brand-name gummies. Everyone loves the bootleg stuff.

I’m totally kidding. Except about the Butterfinger thing. Seriously, America, be better than the Butterfinger.

Happy Halloween, Royals. Make sure to never eat unwrapped candy, to always set aside a couple of your parents’ favorite candy, and to stay safe out there.