This isn’t a choice, it’s an internal dilemma. The Apple Airpods Max, which began trending on Tik Tok just a few months ago, have taken the tech world by storm, and I am currently facing a shocking predicament: to spend or not to spend $500 + on quite literally the coolest headphones I’ve ever seen.

My longing for the Apple Airpods Max all started about six months ago when I first saw them trending on social media. Initially, I thought my desire for them was just the American consumer’s response to big, new, shiny expensive things, but, unfortunately, I thought wrong.

I guess hindsight truly is 20/20, because I’m still at the mercy of this beauteous creation. The headphones, although unreasonably large, I must admit, quite literally speak to me through the ‘Checkout’ screen on Apple’s website. Buy me, they say, you won’t regret it.

And although in my heart of hearts I know all items priced wildly above their true value are accompanied by some kind of ‘consumer’s guilt,’ I can’t shake this feeling that once these headphones are in my possession, I will undeniably become the coolest person alive. I’ll grow to a whopping height of 6’4 and get an offer from UCLA Women’s Basketball or something. I’ll be like, really cool.

Okay, maybe not that cool, but I’ll at least be able to frolic around my house with my iced matcha latte and sage green Apple Airpods Max, escaping the plights of the world, even if it’s just to a few songs.

I know I might sound crazy, but these headphones have the capacity to change the trajectory of my life, I can feel it, and even if they don’t, they definitely will.

Layla Langrell ’23 seems to feel the same, and would do anything and everything for these headphones: “I would sell both of my legs, my small intestine, my large intestine, one of my kidneys, and a lung for a pair of these headphones. I need them in silver or the deal’s off.”

Well then, I guess I’ve answered my own question, the Apple Airpods Max are to buy. They’ll be here tomorrow evening.