In all honesty, I’m not an avid wedding goer, but attending my aunt and uncle’s wedding over spring break made up for ALL the weddings I haven’t gone to. Set in a ritzy Cabo hotel and practically dripping elegance, this wedding was fantastical. I’m talking pre-wedding white party belly dancers and fire dancers fantastical. Wedding food that featured a meal with steak, shrimp, lobster, clams, and sides galore fantastical. I’m talking about me ordering nearly 10 virgin mojitos because they were free fantastical.

The celebration of love was just spectacular within itself, but it made me think, “Why don’t I go to more weddings?” I mean, I love love. Practically every book and movie I read is about that, so why don’t I just either crash more weddings or become a professional bridesmaid?

Yes, a professional bridesmaid. I actually saw a woman doing this for a living on Tik Tok, and she was the walking, breathing representation of the “27 Dresses” movie.

So, in honor of my new career path, I’ve decided to list some reasons why someone, even a rando, would want me as their “professional” bridesmaid.

I’ll wear just about any dress

Let me clarify on this. I’m open to wearing any dress. A loofa looking dress. Sure. A dress that is very conservative yet sweet. Sure. A dress that’s a little scandy and in “clubbing” mode. A reluctant sure. Oh, wait…you insist on me wearing a $200,000 limited edition vintage Chanel or Versace or any luxury brand dress? YES. YES. YES.

I will hype you (the bride) up endlessly

You’re crying because you have cold feet? Nothing a little TLC and egging on can’t fix. You look so good. You look fantastic. You look like a beautiful goddess. Or, my personal favorite, you look luminous. These are some but not limited to the compliments that I will ferociously throw your way.

I will dance the night away with you

I’ll dance to reggaetón, classic, pop, hip hop, R & B, country, and my personal favorite, disco! If you want me on the dance floor, I’ll be there. But I can’t promise that my dancing will be mmm, good per say, BUT it will be dancing nonetheless.

I will do my best to prevent everything wrong from happening at the wedding

That weird uncle is getting a little too jiggy on the dance floor? I’ll dance him right back to his seat. The mother of the bride is scowling at her new daughter-in-law whom she claims is “taking her baby boy away.” I’ll explain to the monster-in-law that you’re simply another woman (besides her) in his life who is there to shape him (her son) into a better person, yada, yada, yada. Any inconvenience that comes your way will be AXED by me.

I will give the best darn speech ever

With a clink of a virgin mojito glass I will command everyone’s attention. My speech will rivet them with the fondest and funniest memories of you. A reign of compliments suggest that the most luminous bride is in our presence. Mouths will laugh, tears will fall, and hands will ultimately clap at the end.

So, if you’re in need of a bridesmaid and any of this info peaked your interest, text me at 1-800-bridesmaidforhire. See you at the next nuptials!