“If I Were a Boy” by Beyoncé

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A group of Servite boys pause on their way out of school at 12 p.m. (Photo Provided by: Katie Thomas ’22)

Anna DiCrisi, Staff Writer

Uh…my name is William. My boys call me Will. What is this for again?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So my day at Servite is overall pretty chill. I pull up at 6 a.m. for weightlifting because I wrestle. Uh…I got into wrestling when I was in middle school. I didn’t start telling people until I got to Servite because I used to get made fun of for wearing the uniform.

A lot went down today. After weights, I had to take a shower and change into my uniform. My mom told me that my old deodorant was the reason that I was acting chemically imbalanced or something, so I didn’t use it. What you don’t touch can’t hurt you. I think that’s a saying.

So super boring, but then I had to go and clean glassware for my chem class because I got a jug last week. I didn’t even do anything. My friend Donny and I have this system where I meow every time I hear him groan in class, which I guess isn’t very productive for the rest of the class. Ever since he broke his leg though, he’s put me and my behavioral contract on the outs a little.

So I did that. It was fine.

At that point though, I had already drank like most of my two gallon water bottle, so I had to refill it before the day started. Then I went to the bathroom.

First period religion was a blur just because I skipped last week. No one was supposed to know that I wasn’t sick, but my boy Tanner ratted me out to our teacher, so everyone knew I was playing “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.” You should’ve seen the looks on their faces when I told them the level I had just finished. I was totally goated, dude.

Second period, I had English. It was all great until we had to do this thing called a “Socratic seminar”? I tried to get out of it by explaining that seminars are like where you talk and learn about new things, and that if we were graded on that it totally wouldn’t be fair. It didn’t work, and I ended up just commenting on how the title of the book was like a symbol for all the junk inside of it. People nodded; I would say it was pretty well-received.

Then I refilled my water bottle and went to the bathroom again.

My next class was chem, and I must say the beakers were pretty clean. That teacher for sure has it out for me because remember my friend Donny? Yeah, I was like tickling him in class so

—no it wasn’t like weird. It was like a cool tickling thing.

No, you don’t understand. You tickle your friends; it’s like what everyone does. It’s not weird.

Anyway, Mrs. what’s-her-name was all “stop doing that” and I was all “stop doing what” and she was all “stop acting stupid and pay attention” and I was like “Well, is what you’re teaching going to be on the test?”

I didn’t want to deal with that anymore, so I got up and went to the bathroom.

Oh yeah! On the way to the bathroom, I checked my phone, and I saw a snap from my girlfriend Amanda, who was pissed at me for literally nothing. We got in like a fight yesterday, but she said she was fine, so I left her alone.

And now she sent me this whole novel on how I don’t understand social cues, and I’m like dude, just chill—I don’t need a therapist, jeez. I don’t understand why she has to be so dramatic all the time.

And then the bell rang, and I was called out of school at 11 a.m. for my 4:30 p.m. match.

What?

Did we really need the whole team to set up the gym for five hours? I couldn’t tell you. I left to go get food.

By the way, can I get my 20 bucks for this now? I need more food, and I blew all my money on another Xbox controller.

I’m not getting paid for this?

Whatever. I’ll make my mom buy me Chipotle.

Can I use your bathroom on the way out?