How to outsmart the world as a criminal mastermind

Exhibit+A%3A+committing+a+crime+in+a+public+place+usually+works+out+in+your+favor.+%28Photo+Credit%3A+wikipedia+creative+commons%29

Exhibit A: committing a crime in a public place usually works out in your favor. (Photo Credit: wikipedia creative commons)

Anna DiCrisi, Staff Writer

To preface this article, I am not a criminal mastermind. I am just a normal teenage girl with no special qualities other than my intense amount of knowledge on the ins and outs of the legal system.

However, over the weekend, I stumbled across a Dickenson poem titled, “How to survive the board game Clue,” and I felt the information so profound that I just had to translate it into modern English and share it with you all.

(Disclaimer: I do not encourage criminal activity)

Rule number one: Always wear shoes two sizes up. At a crime scene, any footprint or indentation will be measured for length because the investigators can estimate the suspect’s height. Someone’s foot (in inches) is about 15% of their height.

So, you wear the wrong size shoes. Then you’re safe?

WRONG.

ACTUAL Rule Number One: don’t trust anyone. That tip about shoes? That’s complete baloney. Everyone is out to get you. When you’re in the interrogation room, always answer with the opposite of the truth. Don’t tell them what they want to hear. Now, if you’ve been paying attention, how could I expect you to trust what I am telling you now? Good. You’re learning.

Let’s practice.

“Where were you at the time of the crime?”

You may be tempted to give an air-tight alibi, but the only thing you should say is:

“At the crime scene.”

They’ll be shocked; they won’t know what to say; they’ll assume that if you really were at the crime scene, you would never in a million years say you were at the crime scene; they’ll chuckle; they’ll smile; they may even buy you coffee.

Rule Number Two: Commit the crime in public.

I KNOW this seems counterintuitive. However, if you commit a crime in the middle of a public place, every single person there will have a different account of the story.

Now, I don’t know if you know, but in the “Law Book,” it says that there can’t be any punishment if there are discrepancies in the eye-witness accounts. And that’s just a fact.  So there.

Bonus: If you put on a wig and remove it mid-crime, some people will say you have blonde hair, and others will say you have brown hair. No one will be able to identity you.

Rule Number Three: Commit the crime somewhere with lots of DNA.

From my experience watching TV, I know that they take DNA samples from the crime scene and put them through scanners that tell them who the suspect is.

My advice? The American Girl Doll Store in LA is the perfect place to commit a crime. Think of all the fingers of little girls that smear across the glass boxes and through the hair of the cherished doll of the year. Think of all the mini chairs or cinnamon buns that could be stolen.

Don’t let them lock you up. Make them think it was the five-year-old that sat next to you. What? Oh please, don’t get all moral-compassy with me now.

Rule Number Four: While you are AT the American Girl Doll Store, please buy me Samantha Parkington. I’ve been trying to find her for years.

If you don’t— well, just consider this a threat from a very qualified crime-person-doer.

Rule Number Five: Commit the crime against someone you know.

Most crimes happen within pre-existing relationship circles, so this piece of advice may come as a shock. But why pick a stranger? There’s no plotline, motivation, or drama involved in that crime.

You want someone to write a Lifetime movie on you? Spice it up.

Also, you can bribe someone you know to not tell on you. You can guilt-trip them with memories. This method is pretty foolproof. It can be a fun little secret that bonds the two of you closer. My advice for better relationships: don’t be afraid to just hop, jump, and skip a few little laws.

And that’s it. No lawyer, not even Mock Trial team captain Elena Walz ’22 could lock you up if you follow these tips. Although she has promised to defend me if this advice accidentally gets published on the interweb.

Oh, this is a public article?

Well, please don’t arrest me. For legal reasons, I told them all at the beginning not to trust anything I said.