Ranch: A Salivating or Sickening Sauce?

The+patriarch+of+the+Benavides+family+enjoying+the+lip-smacking%2C+mouth-watering+ranch+from+Islands.+Photo+by+Sofia+Benavides.
The patriarch of the Benavides family enjoying the lip-smacking, mouth-watering ranch from Islands. Photo by Sofia Benavides.

The patriarch of the Benavides family enjoying the lip-smacking, mouth-watering ranch from Islands. Photo by Sofia Benavides.

The patriarch of the Benavides family enjoying the lip-smacking, mouth-watering ranch from Islands. Photo by Sofia Benavides.

Sofia Benavides and Marissa Pennino

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Ah, ranch.

It’s one of those condiments that you either hate or love- there’s no room for grey with this one. If you hate it, you HATE it. And if you love it, you love it just as passionately. So this week your favorite strongly-opinionated-duo got together to rate five different restaurants ranches on a five-points-possible scale. Enjoy, fellow ranch lovers. 

Disclaimer: These are only OUR opinions. If you disagree, that’s cool. Tell us in the comments below. But we only mean to share our beliefs freely and avoid ranch-based brawls. Thank you.  

Burger King: 2/5: Lowkey garbage (Actually, highkey). 

With the ground-breaking, earth-shattering invention of the chicken fry, you would think that Burger King’s condiments would match in brilliance and magnificence. Wrong. The ranch from this establishment is truly a disgrace to ranch-lovers across the world. Labeled as a “buttermilk ranch,” it is consistently sour, acidic, and obnoxiously pungent. And don’t even mention the texture: it’s chunky and goopy in all the wrong ways. We’d rather force our chicken fries down dry than dip them in this pathetic excuse of a sauce.  

 

Chick-Fil-A:  1.5/5 : And that’s generous. 

The dumpster fire of a condiment from Chick-Fil-A. Photo by Marissa Pennino.

We’re going to be honest here- this ranch scares us. No shade to Chick-Fil-A, but we’re not entirely sure this is ranch. Senior Nicole Garcia attests to this, saying, “Chick-Fil-A is by far the worst ranch I’ve had. The texture and flavor are pretty awful.” Like Burger King, it’s labeled “buttermilk ranch,” which is already a little fishy if you ask us. Seeing as Chick-Fil-A’s fries are arguably the best out there, you’d think their ranch would be up to standard. Alas, that is not so. It smells a little funky- again, like Burger King’s -and, when paired with their waffle-cut fries, drips off like pure water. It smells almost…chemical. Hmm. Conspiracy? 

 

McDonald’s: 3/5 : Me on a good day, with the right lighting. 

McDonalds’s nugget dipped in a mediocre pool of ranch. Photo by Sofia Benavides.

 

For being McDonald’s, this ranch is actually surprisingly good. It doesn’t reek like…some other ranches…and tastes fairly authentic. It’s not amazing, but it’s also not Chick-Fil-A. (Sorry Chick-Fil-A. We’re being pretty brutal. But your chicken is good.) It’s pretty mediocre, as far as ranch goes. Kind of like the eighth season of The Office. 

 

 

Island’s: 5/5 : Baaahh sowenyaaahh mamabeetsebabaaaahh (Lion King? No? Ok.) 

Islands almost took home the dub on this one. Photo by Sofia Benavides.

If there was a god of ranch, this would be it. Savory and just the right consistency, Island’s ranch comes out just under Ruby’s. Senior Nicky Angle agreed: “Island’s ranch is hands down one of the best ranches. I love it for dipping my fries in.” It’s flavorful, aromatic, and stays on the fry without being Burger-King-chunky. Forget faux ranches- this is the real deal. And when paired with their burgers and fries? Mmm. Delicioso.  

 

Ruby’s: 6/5: Truly Divine

There are very few things on this earth that near perfection. One of them? Ruby’s ranch dressing. Immaculate isn’t even enough to describe this masterpiece of a condiment. Every aspect is impeccable: texture, consistency, flavor. It’s thick enough to stay on the fry, but not goopy like…some other establishment’s ranch. It’s not sweet like the Hidden Valley garbage (don’t even get us started), and not pungent like the Burger King dumpster fire. Pair it with anything: salads, fries, appetizers–doesn’t matter. It’s versatile, mouthwatering, and flat-out spiritual.  

 

Agree? Disagree? Let us know in the comments down below, along with what we should review next!

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